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Chapter 1
Washizaki Karen and I, Watanuki Amou, had been childhood friends since the day we were born. I’d heard that our dads had been classmates in high school, and that it all started when they happened to buy houses close to each other, and our families began spending time together.
Apparently there was a difference in household income, but the Washizaki-san couple never lorded it over anyone, and they were good people who treated me warmly and casually, too.
I guess what really made the two families even closer was also the fact that, by coincidence, Karen and I were born the same year. We were even born at the same hospital, and our families’ interactions deepened rapidly. Before we knew it, going back and forth between each other’s houses became totally normal… and now, to me, Karen felt even closer than my real sister, who was four years my senior…
As I lived through those days, it was only natural that I started thinking of Karen as a girl.
“Ak-kun, when you grow up, marry Karen, okay?”
Ŵeḃ n̈о v̂е̄ l̈ _Е̇ṅu ḿ a
Karen had been saying that a lot since back when she probably didn’t even understand what the word “marriage” meant.
I, who at least vaguely knew marriage meant “something a close man and woman do,” would nod while my heart pounded.
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Washizaki Karen was the kind of girl who was said to be cute no matter where she went. Maybe there was some biased affection in that judgment, but even setting that aside, her looks, her voice, the way she carried herself—she never stopped captivating the men around her, and it made me pretty anxious.
But I think I was special to Karen, too… probably.
“Ak-kun, let’s go to school together?”
“Ehehe, Ak-kun, you’re so reliable. I love you so much.”
W е b̌ ñ о vѐ l Е ñüm̊ а.
“It’s getting cold, huh. But when Ak-kun holds my hand, it’s warm.”
Every morning, we’d meet up on the route to school, and we always tackled test, studying and summer break homework together. When it got cold, she would always, without fail, take my hand in hers.
Probably, to Karen, I was a special childhood friend, too… and thinking that maybe—just maybe—it was possible, I gathered my courage on the day we graduated middle school and told her how I felt.
“Karen, I’m like this, but… um… if it’s okay with you, would you go out with me? Like, as… boyfriend and girlfriend, I mean… ah, sorry. That was lame.”
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“No, I like that—it’s so you, Ak-kun. And from me, too… please take care of me.”
I confessed in a stammer, swallowed up by nerves, and she accepted me with a smile.
E ñ ūm̃a. і̌ d́
Sometimes, I guess love gets talked about like it’s a contest—winning and losing. Especially first love.
Winning your first love. Losing your first love. I used to play a competitive sport where wins and losses were crystal clear, so I couldn’t help but be conscious of those words.
I had won my first love. I got to date Karen, the girl I’d always loved!
Of course, I was so happy I could’ve jumped into the air right there—and because of that, I also steeled myself.
My life wasn’t exactly smooth sailing, and it’s not like I never had regrets or setbacks.
But if I could date Karen and see the future beyond that, there was nothing more I could ask for.
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So that she would never regret choosing me, I would devote myself to her more than ever, and I would make her happy!!
…That’s what I truly believed.
“Ak-kun, I love you.”
Yeah. I love you too—,
“Mmm… ahh…! Amazing, it feels so good…! Soichi-kun…!!”
—And yet.
Е n_um̈ а.їd
It had been a month since we entered high school, and it hadn’t even been two full months since we started dating.
The Karen who was supposed to have accepted my confession was allowing another man to do things to her—things she’d never even let me do.
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“Hah, hah… I love you, Karen…!!”
“Mmph, ahhh…! I’m so happy… nnngh…!”
Whispered love from a man who wasn’t me, and her cheeks melting at it.
A woman’s face I never got to see in a childhood-friend relationship that people teased us about like we were siblings.
Е̊n̂ û m.ӓ. і̃d
Having that shown to me, I understood.
Karen had been taken a long time ago.
My first love, without even the slightest room for doubt, had lost—and died….
◇
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“…I see. So that’s the kind of relationship you had, you two.”
The girl, sitting down on the rooftop and listening to me, nodded with a look that seemed somehow considerate.
Еň ũ m ȧ.і̆ ď
It hadn’t even been ten minutes since I witnessed that brutal cheating scene, and yet she’d already dragged me all the way here.
Why she had been there, why she slapped that boy, why she brought me here… honestly, I didn’t understand any of it.
But the moment she brought me here, she fixed me with sharp eyes and demanded, “What was your relationship with that girl?”—and with my mental state already in shambles, there was no way I could resist.
As a man, I think it’s truly pathetic. Then again, I don’t think I have even a scrap of the right left to talk about “being a man,” not after having the girl who mattered to me stolen away.
“Um… who are you…?”
“Mamiya Sachika. Watanuki Amou-kun.”
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“Huh… you knew my name?”
“Yes. Well, only your name—by coincidence.”
Unlike me, sitting down with the fence as a backrest, she stood with her back straight, facing out beyond the fence.
With her strong eyes, slim build, and dignified, composed stance—as I stood across from someone who looked that strong, I couldn’t help feeling like I was being judged somehow.
“Mamiya-san, why did you bring me up here?”
“I could have left you there, but I thought that would be cruel. I didn’t know what kind of relationship you had with… Washizaki-san, was it? I didn’t know what kind, but from your expression, I could imagine it must have been something special.”
Enù ṁа. і̄ d̀
“R-right…”
She spoke calmly and briskly, but there was anger seeping through the edges of her words, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being blamed.
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Had I done something to her? I’d seen her face before, but I didn’t know her name—that was the extent of our relationship. If there’d been even the slightest point of contact in the month since we started school, I would’ve remembered.
If it wasn’t that… then was it what just happened? Karen was embracing another man. She’d climbed far up those “adult” steps. And yet I, her boyfriend, could only crumple to the floor—couldn’t even cut in, couldn’t do anything but watch—was I pathetic for that?
…Somehow, I was starting to get irritated. I knew it was misplaced. But why did I have to get scolded in a situation like this?
That kind of thinking bubbled up, twisted into a mess, thrashed around, and swelled in an instant—and before I could hold it back, I opened my mouth.
E ñ um а
“Hey, Mamiya-san. You get it, right? Sure, from your point of view, it’s only natural you’d think I’m pathetic. I didn’t punch the cheating bastard who was holding my girlfriend—I just stood there and watched, and even now I’m here because you dragged me up to a place like this, and I’m taking my frustration out on you, a girl, even though I’m a guy! I’m the kind of guy who starts rambling about himself just because someone asked a few questions, who gets sulky, and who—even I can tell—doesn't have a shred of manliness. I'm just some sniveling, spineless, wimpy slug of a man! But why do you have to act so hostile toward me when you just happened to be there!? You won’t even look me in the face, and if you think I’m stupid and pathetic, then just leave me alone! Yeah, I’m lame, fine, but I don’t have any spare room to worry about your mood at all. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do… whether I should blame Karen, or blame myself… my head’s a mess, and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do after this—tomorrow, or even how I’m supposed to get home… I don’t know anything anymore…!”
Once the floodgates broke, the negative feelings spilled out uncontrollably. But the more I poured them out, the more my heart sank.
I know it. This is just me taking it out on her. And the idea that Mamiya-san is angry at me is just my own paranoia.
Blaming Mamiya-san won’t solve anything. I don’t have even the slightest right to blame her… I know that.
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And yet, like an idiot—at my absolute worst—all I could do was lash out.
I spit venom at Mamiya-san, selfishly, to the point that I was even thinking, “It’s her fault for being here.”
Ē n̈ ú ḿ а
I didn’t have the guts to confront Karen, or that man, or barge into that cheating scene and demand answers—and even though I knew blaming Mamiya-san wouldn’t solve anything, I still took it out on her… I was truly disgusting, and I hated myself more and more by the second.
“I’ve loved her ever since I can remember… I worked up the courage, I confessed, and I finally got to date her… so why is it like this…?”
It was like the stopper had completely broken, and I couldn’t control myself.
I needed to apologize to Mamiya-san right now. I still didn’t understand her intentions at all, but that still didn’t give me any right to dump all of this on her one-sidedly.
Even though I knew that, I was so consumed with myself that I could even accept, “Of course I’d get dumped,” because I was that self-centered—
“…Huh?”
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Something like cloth touched my cheek.
When I reflexively looked up, Mamiya-san, her lips pressed tight together, was holding a handkerchief to my cheek.
“Ah… um…”
When Mamiya-san met my eyes, she looked away awkwardly—and then, right there, she sat down in seiza.
“M-Mamiya-san…?”
“…I am very sorry.”
Wе̌ b̈ nо̀vѐl̀ Ѐ.n̂_û m а̊
“Mamiya-san!?”
I thought she was just sitting down, but then she bowed her head—t-this is a dogeza, isn’t it!?
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In the face of that sudden dogeza, I felt the blood that had rushed to my head drain away all at once.
“H-Hey, raise your head! There’s no reason for you to apologize, Mamiya-san!”
“But you said I was giving off a hostile atmosphere, and that I wouldn’t meet your eyes.”
“I did say that, yeah, but—!”
W e b̄_n̊о̌v̀e ĺ Е̂_ǹům̆ а̀
Honestly, I was scared… but even so, I’m obviously the one at fault.
Her dogeza was shocking enough to make me realize that clearly. I mean, I’d never seen someone dogeza in person before—and for it to be a classmate, and a girl at that, and—sorry for the unfair impression—but Mamiya-san had this cool aura that made her seem like someone who would never apologize to anyone… there was no way I could stay heated after that!
“I’m the one who should be sorry…! You didn’t do anything wrong, Mamiya-san. What I said was just taking it out on you, and… um…”
“…It’s not true that I did nothing wrong.”
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“No, I mean, what I said just now was only because I got carried away—”
“Shibaki Soichi.”
En̆ üm̊а̀
“—!!”
At that name, my shoulders jerked.
Because that was… the name of the man who had been holding Karen.
Shibaki Soichi. I already knew who he was.
A nationally known tennis player, famous among people our age. Big build, and the rumor was that he was just under 180 centimeters tall when he entered high school. Compared to me, who could barely reach 160 even after drinking milk every day, you could say he was a lot more “manly.”
Seeing my reaction, Mamiya-san lowered her eyes apologetically… and then, like she was forcing the words out, she continued.
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“I’m connected to him.”
Connected…? Mamiya-san being “connected” to him…? That was a strange way to put it.
Was there something she was deliberately holding back? Something worth making such a show over—enough to dogeza over, even?
“I’m his fiancée.”
………………Huh?
“I’m his fiancée.”
W̌ е̌ bn̄о̆ v̆ èl E n uṁ а̌
“F-fiancée!?”
That word was completely out of nowhere!
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An engagement is, literally, a relationship where you’ve promised to get married… I mean, it should be. It’s a setup I’d seen in manga and dramas, but I’d never imagined there could be classmates in that kind of relationship.
Wait…? Then that means—whether I want to accept it or not…
“So that means Mamiya-san got cheated on too…?”
“That would be the case.”
Ёn̆úm̄a
“—I’m sorry! I’m really sorry!!”
“Watanuki-kun!?”
This time, it was my turn to perform a dogeza. No—Mamiya-san’s dogeza had been a dogeza she didn’t need to do, but mine was a genuine, bona fide dogeza that was completely my fault.
Mamiya-san and Shibaki…-kun were engaged, and that was probably a much deeper connection than just dating, which meant the betrayal would cut even deeper—and I’d been lashing out at her, one-sidedly, selfishly.
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“I’m really sorry…! No matter how much I apologize, I know there’s no making up for it…!”
“N-no. There’s nothing you need to apologize for! So… raise your head, okay!?”
W е̊ b n ӧ v ĕ l̈ E nu m̀ӑ
Flustered, Mamiya-san made me lift my face. Honestly, it didn’t feel like I’d bowed nearly enough, but if all I was doing was troubling her, then an apology wouldn’t mean anything beyond the gesture—so for now, I raised my head.
“Even if I say ‘fiancée,’ it’s only in name. Our parents decided it on their own… and I suppose you could call us childhood friends, but it’s not some sweet and innocent relationship like yours. So even if I saw something like that, I don’t really feel anything…”
“…That’s a lie, isn’t it?”
“It’s true. There’s no reason for me to lie—”
“Then why were you crying, Mamiya-san?”
“—!”
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Ah—the more I calm down, the more I hate how selfish I was.
I saw it. Even if it was only from behind, I saw Mamiya-san walking with tears streaming down her face as she pulled me along by the hand. She saw that, got hurt, and still crushed down her own pain to look out for me, who just happened to be there.
And yet I didn’t notice any of it—I just lashed out selfishly… I’m the worst. A dogeza could never be enough.
“I’m really sorry. I was only thinking about myself, and I didn’t—”
“You’re mistaken. The reason I ended up crying was because I felt so pathetic.”
“…What do you mean?”
Ẁёb̈ n̊о v е̂l Е̊ n u ṁ а
“If I’d been able to keep him tied to me better as his fiancée, that wouldn’t have happened. I neglected to ‘manage’ my fiancé, so it’s my responsibility too, isn’t it?”
“No, if you start saying that, then—”
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“…You’re right. But…………”
Mamiya-san’s voice trailed off, shrinking at the end, and she fell silent with a deep sigh.
It was painfully awkward. The only thing that could be called a saving grace was that the guilt I felt toward Mamiya-san dulled (or maybe numbed) the damage of witnessing the cheating scene, just a little.
But there’s no point if she stays down. In that case—fine.
Е n.um̀ ã
“…All right! Then this time, Mamiya-san, you should spit some insults at me!”
“How does it come to that!?”
“Because I did it to you earlier, right? If you don’t throw it back at me, it’s not even. And if you let it out, you might feel a little better.”
“Earlier, you didn’t look like you felt better at all. If anything, you seemed even more wrecked…”
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“Yeah, well… that’s… fair…”
It’s true—every time I said something, I sank further.
Ẃ е́ bn̊ ӧ v ѐl̂ En ú m̂ а̂
“But if you just bottle it up, it’ll only hurt more… and sure, maybe I was the one who messed up, but maybe you’re the type who’ll feel refreshed after you let it out, Mamiya-san!”
“Isn’t it just that you want to have anger thrown at you too, so you can feel a little better?”
“That’s… not something I can deny completely…”
Once she pointed it out, it was true I couldn’t fully reject it.
“…You’re honest.”
“I don’t have the room to lie right now. But… sorry. I don’t even know what the right answer is, and I keep making you be the one to worry about me…”
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“I… if anything, I feel like having you lash out at me is what’s keeping me together right now. …Though even I’m not sure what to think about that.”
Mamiya-san gave a wry smile, and I found myself smiling along with her.
It was obvious we were both forcing it. But if we made faces that were too dark, we’d only make the other worry more. I’m sure we were both thinking that—so little by little, we started deliberately laying it on thicker and thicker—
“Hahahahahaha!!”
“Fufufufufufu!!”
As if something were prodding me, I roared with stupid, over-the-top laughter.
Е̇ n u ḿа̂
My breathing was so hard it felt like my stomach might burst, and it hurt my head a little… and somehow, when I did that, it was strange—I started to feel something like a weird sense of refreshment.
So we just laughed together, anyway. We forgot the trigger and the pretense, and we laughed solely for the sake of laughing.
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If someone had been watching from the outside, they probably would’ve pulled back and thought, “Those two are broken.” And in reality, I probably was—and Mamiya-san too, probably—we really had broken.
We’d been forced to see something shocking, had an irredeemable sense of defeat carved into us, and had to witness expressions on the faces of the people we thought were precious—expressions we’d never seen before.
But even if we were going to break, the reason we managed to stop at “broken enough to make people wary” was without a doubt because she was there in front of me.
“Haa… I’m tired…”
Ẃ е b ñ о v̀ él Е̊nu mа
“Yes, seriously… I think I laughed more than I ever have in my life…”
Feeling the corners of my mouth sting, I collapsed onto the rooftop. Laughing actually takes more energy than you’d think.
In reality, it was probably a short time—less than thirty minutes… but my mood was a lot better than it had been at the start. I’m sure I’ll remember it later and sink again, but for now, at least, I felt like I could manage to get home.
“…………”
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Mamiya-san lay there, staring off into space.
She had her back to me, and I couldn’t see her expression.
Ẇеb̀ n о v̀ е̇ l̃ E̊nům̌ а
I thought about saying something to her… but I decided not to. I didn’t really have an excuse to start talking, and people have times when they just want to be quiet.
Thinking that, I let myself go slack again—when suddenly, Mamiya-san sat up with a burst of energy.
“That’s right… at times like this…! Watanuki-kun!”
“Huh? W-what is it?”
“You said it earlier, didn't you? That I could throw as many complaints your way as I wanted.”
“Huh...? Ah, y-yeah. I did. I said that.”
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“What’s with the half-hearted response?”
“I don't think I was being half-hearted, but... I remember. The fact remains that I lashed out at you, so go ahead—throw everything you've got at me!”
“Fufu. Just kidding. I was only joking.”
Mamiya-san laughed, covering her mouth in amusement.
It looked like she was teasing me. I don’t really mind.
“But I do feel like yelling, so… would you keep me company for a bit?”
Ēñǔm а̃
“Keep you company? Where…?”
“Somewhere I can scream my lungs out without it being a problem!”
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Mamiya-san said it in a bouncing tone, then sprang up with quick, nimble movements. Toward me, still sitting on the ground, this time she didn’t grab me forcibly—she simply reached out her hand.
◇
I changed into my shoes at the shoe lockers and stepped outside the school. Even though I’d been on guard, I still felt relieved that I managed to avoid running into Karen and the others.
I didn’t check whether Karen’s shoes were still there. Either way—whether they were or not—I would’ve imagined something awful and gotten depressed.
Е n ů m̆ a
But even if I lightened my mood a little like that, even if I escaped reality, not a single problem would be solved. In the end, I’m just a weak person, and with Karen—and Shibaki…-kun… no, I guess even in my head, it’s fine to drop the honorific.
Even if I met Shibaki, I had no idea what I’d even say to him.
Right now, more than anything, I wanted time to sort out my feelings… and I was probably, for the first time in my life, avoiding Karen.
“So where’s this place where it’s okay to scream? Karaoke?”
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“I’m not doing something like that, like a delinquent.”
“…………”
W е̃ b̊n o̊ v̌ е l̇ Ӗ n ūm̆ӓ
I mean, I don’t think you have to be a delinquent to go to karaoke… and our high school doesn’t ban students from stopping somewhere after school, even if there are warnings about not going beyond what’s appropriate for students.
While I followed behind Mamiya-san as she marched ahead… before I knew it, we were at the station, and before I knew it, I was swaying on a train.
“Hey, seriously, where are we even going…!?”
“It’s fine. I think we’ll be back by dinner. I don’t know where your house is, Watanuki-kun, but… if you don’t want to, should we turn back?”
“…I’ll go. I’m genuinely curious where you’re trying to take me, considering you call karaoke ‘delinquent.’”
“Then it’s a surprise until we get there.”
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“Got it…”
I nodded, swallowing down a sigh.
As we swayed with the train, Mamiya-san gazed out the window with eyes that somehow seemed to be shining. A student these days would probably be fiddling with their phone in a situation like this, but she didn’t show any sign of doing that at all.
'When you really look, she’s ridiculously pretty…'
As I blankly watched her, I found myself thinking that again.
Now that I think about it, I feel like a few of my friends had brought up her name before.
Е̇n̈ ŭ m а̊
Mamiya Sachika. Things like how she had an adult kind of allure that didn’t feel like a high schooler’s, or how she had a refined air because she was a proper young lady.
had Karen, so I’d mostly let that kind of talk go in one ear and out the other, but…
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'It’s not like she’s that hard to approach, and she’s beautiful… so why would Shibaki cheat…'
I couldn’t help thinking things like that.
Karen is cute too, of course. Even without the bias of being childhood friends—or the bias of being her boyfriend—I’d still think she’s cute, normally. She’s a different type from Mamiya-san, but… no, you’re not supposed to compare people’s looks in the first place.
Still, maybe because I hadn’t felt anything for any girl other than Karen, I couldn’t understand Shibaki at all—how he could lay hands on Karen even though he had a fiancée like Mamiya-san.
W̃ е̊_b́n̊оv̂ е̃ l̃ Е̂ n̈ ŭ m̀ а́
…Well, since that’s what ended up happening, the reasons don’t really matter anymore.
Even if Shibaki and Karen had some unavoidable circumstances, whether we could accept them is a completely different matter.
“What? Staring at someone’s face like that.”
“Ah—no… I was just wondering if you don’t look at your phone much, Mamiya-san.”
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There was no way I could say what I’d been thinking just now.
But if I tried to dodge the question, I felt like she’d get suspicious in a different way, so without thinking, I blurted out what I’d been thinking before that.
Wеb̆ nov е́l Еṅ ùmà
At my question, Mamiya-san gave a small snort, like she was making fun of me.
“You’d hate it if some message showed up with excuses, wouldn’t you? Not that it showing up would be better. But it’s annoying if nothing comes too. So I turned it off before we left school.”
“Ah…”
I get it. I really do.
I hadn’t put it into words like that, but maybe the reason I’d unconsciously avoided touching my phone too was the same—I’d been avoiding Karen.
“And besides, I’m a little excited.”
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“Excited?”
“Because this is the first time I’ve ever stopped somewhere on the way home. It feels new... although it doesn't make today any less of a cursed day.”
“Yeah… it doesn’t…”
““…………””
The moment we let our guard down, we both sank into gloom.
Even though I didn’t want to think about it, I couldn’t help wondering what Karen and Shibaki were doing right now… and it made me feel sick.
Ӗn̆u̇ m а. і̇d
Like—if they’d forgotten about us and gone even further than what we saw earlier… ugh, I’m going to throw up…
“Ah—We’re getting off at the next station!”
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“O-okay.”
It looked like we had reached the station we needed before I could fall all the way into the abyss.
Thank god… but at this rate, am I really going to be okay?
My mood was swinging up and down like an ECG line. No, the baseline was so low that maybe it only felt like it was “up.”
Е n umа. їd̄
In a situation where I couldn’t even imagine what I’d be like a few minutes from now, I couldn’t help feeling anxious all over again.
◇
Led by Mamiya-san, we walked about ten minutes from the station… and the moment I saw it, I was simply overwhelmed.
From the station name, I’d suspected it might be this the moment we got off the train. But seeing it with my own eyes left me speechless.
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Especially in my heartbroken state, its presence hit me hard…
“The ocean—!!”
W e ḃ nо v̊ӗ l̂ Е̃ n ù ṁа̌
Beside me, Mamiya-san suddenly shouted.
Her cheeks were red, her eyes were wet… was she excited?
“So you’re the type to shout in moments like this, Mamiya-san…”
“Surprised?”
“Well, um… honestly, yeah.”
“Fufu. Then you’re right. This is my first time ever coming to the ocean and shouting.”
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She smiled as if it were obvious—somehow even looking proud of herself.
“If you’re going to shout, the ocean is the classic choice, right? I don’t think it’s ‘forgiving’ or anything, but there’s no better target for us to hurl our pent-up bitterness at!”
“Well… I guess that’s true…?”
It might be a lot healthier than hurling it at each other.
Swimming had been banned here for a long time. There wasn’t even a fishing port, so the place felt desolate… and even if we screamed, it didn’t seem like anyone would hear.
“Nice breeze. The smell of the sea…”
Е̂ ṅ u m̌ä . i d
Mamiya-san murmured, letting her black hair flutter in the salty wind.
Just as much as the distant horizon stretching out before us, the scent of salt made it feel real—we were at the ocean.
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It was different from that suffocating school building—fresh, open, and somehow it felt like the heat was draining out of my body, melting away…
“…All right.”
Just before stepping onto the sand, Mamiya-san suddenly slipped off her loafers—then even tossed off her black tights!?
“What are you doing!?”
Е̂n u̇ mа́
“What do you mean, what? You can’t go onto the sand in them. It’s a hassle if sand gets into the gaps in your loafers.”
“That’s true, but…”
“Come on, Watanuki-kun, take yours off too! We’re going back once the sun has fully set!”
“O-okay.”
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As Mamiya-san hurried me along while shamelessly showing off her bare legs, I quickly kicked off my loafers and socks and rolled up the cuffs of my uniform pants.
We carved two sets of footprints into the deserted, off-season beach, still untouched by anyone else’s tracks.
Еnū må . і̄ḋ
Even though swimming was banned, it seemed that soaking just the tips of our feet wasn’t a problem.
Still, standing at the water’s edge in our uniforms felt kind of like something out of a manga, and it was a little embarrassing.
“It’s like a novel I read a long time ago. I never thought I’d actually experience it myself, though.”
Her reference point was more grown-up than mine…!
Gazing at the horizon, Mamiya-san gave a self-mocking smile.
“I’ve been Soichi’s fiancée ever since I was a child.”
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She murmured it softly.
It wasn’t said to me so much as it was spoken with a fleeting sound, like she was letting it dissolve into the whisper of the waves… and I listened in silence.
“Shibaki’s uncle and aunt are kind, and I like them. So I wanted to live up to their expectations… I didn’t really understand marriage, but I think I did my best to devote myself to becoming a proper wife. Fufu… it really does sound like a story out of a novel, doesn’t it?”
Letting out a sigh, Mamiya-san lightly kicked, sending a little spray of waves jumping.
“Hey, Watanuki-kun, did you know? In the world of novels, a ‘fiancée’ relationship tends to fall apart in one way or another.”
I could imagine it.
Еṅù m̄ а
Novels—fiction—exist to entertain people. No matter the scale, they include surprise and freshness.
And a fiancée relationship is an extremely stable one.
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It naturally moves toward the goal of marriage. It’s so obvious that the ending isn’t interesting in the slightest, and it becomes interesting only when it breaks… something like that.
It felt similar to that expectation you get from the classic death flag line: “When this battle’s over, I’m getting married,” and then they die.
“My relationship with Soichi was exactly like those of the fiancées in novels. There wasn’t even a shred of that sweet and innocent feeling you get with lovers—it was cold, completely cooled off… but even so, that was fine. Being Soichi’s fiancée was simply ‘normal,’ and I never even imagined a future where I wasn’t with him… I’m sure someone like me must have looked like a woman with no appeal at all.”
“I don’t know, but even if that were true, it doesn’t make it okay to betray you.”
Ẇ ѐ b̆nо v̊ еl̄ E n̊ u m̀а̂
Betrayal is a cruelty that’s only ‘allowed’ because it’s fiction.
When something that unreasonable happens in real life, who’s supposed to be happy about it?
“You’re kind, Watanuki-kun… but in this case, don’t you think it would be easier to accept if you told me plainly that I’m right?”
“I can’t lie. From where I’m standing, I can’t see you as someone with no appeal at all… and besides, it’s not like it’s someone else’s problem. You know? In fiction, childhood-friend relationships fall apart pretty often too—about as often as fiancées.”
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Apparently, in fiction, the formula “childhood friend = losing heroine” has become a template. That’s probably because it’s another stable relationship that’s been ‘complete’ since birth.
Of course it breaks. If it doesn’t, it’s too straightforward and boring… or so the logic goes.
Еn ǔ_ḿ а.іd
“Fufu. Then I’m a double whammy, aren’t I? Fiancée and childhood friend.”
“Ah—that’s not what I meant… sorry…”
“It’s fine. And you two were lovers, weren’t you? Compared to a relationship decided by parents like mine, you confessed, you were accepted, you started dating… the pain of being betrayed after that is something you can’t possibly compare.”
“Don’t say that. Our relationship wasn’t anything like an engagement—we weren’t looking ahead to the future at all… so yeah, it really isn’t something you can compare.”
Whether a fiancée or a girlfriend is “above” the other doesn’t matter anymore.
The reason two people like us—who’d barely ever talked—were here alone on a beach, looking out at the sea, was because we both suffered deep wounds.
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Comparing that depth and deciding, “The one who’s more miserable is tragic, so the other should be grateful they didn’t fall that far”… that kind of thinking is off.
We were hurt. Just that fact alone is enough.
“…We really are pathetic losers, aren’t we?”
“Yeah. Really…”
Saying it out loud again made it feel a little lighter, somehow.
Of course it was still heavy. It still hurt. It was still exhausting. But unthinkingly—even though I shouldn’t—having Mamiya-san, who carried the same kind of pain… to put it a little dramatically, having a 'comrade'… made me feel relieved.
W̆ẽb̂n̄о v́ е̌ l Е.n̆ u m̌а
There’s no way I could talk about something like this with anyone. Not my parents, not my sister, and of course not my friends.
Maybe it was only the two of us in the whole world who could empathize with each other’s pain without the slightest hint of pity or hesitation.
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“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”
As I was letting that sink in, Mamiya-san screamed.
A scream from the bottom of her stomach, so full-force it nearly flipped into a squeak— it yanked at my senses like a hook—
“DAMN YOOOOOOOOOU!!”
Ё n̆ǔ m̆а . id
Before I could even think, I was screaming at full volume too.
My throat burned, and the back of my head felt hot. My vision prickled.
Even if there was nobody around, even if there weren’t even any ships out on the water… screaming like this, outside, at the top of your lungs—it’s embarrassing… normally, that’s what I would’ve thought.
But right now, it felt like there was no one else in this world.
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“What’s with you, boy? That all you’ve got?”
“Like hell. That’s nowhere near enough.”
Ẃ ė ḃn̈.о̆v̆е̌ l_ Е́ ňü m̃а
“Fufu, that’s the spirit!”
Provoked, and rising to it, we screamed until it felt like our guts would tear.
I didn’t know what I was even supposed to be angry at. At Karen for betraying me? At the man who stole her? At myself, who’d been helpless and could only stand there sucking my thumb and watching?
I didn’t know, so I screamed anyway. From the pit of my stomach, like I was vomiting it all out. Like I was taking it out on something.
My relationship with Karen, and my own heart—so shattered I could no longer believe I could ever repair what I’d once loved so much—had broken.
I accept that, and start to understand it. The more I scream, the more my head aches and my vision blurs—yet I still understand.
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That it won’t go back. That I have to accept everything, and then live from tomorrow onward.
“Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!”
As the setting sun at my back lost more and more of its strength, my mind, too, turned into an empty void as I accepted reality.
…And when the sun had completely set, both Mamiya-san and I had lost the words to scream, and could only breathe, our shoulders heaving.
“Feel better?”
“Not at all… but I do feel a little lighter. Thanks, Mamiya-san.”
Е n um̌ӑ ..і d̃
“I didn’t scream for your sake, you know?”
“But you brought me here. And back then, you took my hand and got me up to the rooftop… if you really think about it, you didn’t have any obligation to do that.”
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“True. But… your face was so awful I couldn’t just leave you.”
“Haha…”
I can’t deny it. There’s no doubt my face back then was something you couldn’t show to other people.
“Think I’m a little better now?”
Е̄ n̊ù m ӓ
“Yeah. You look like a different person.”
“Good. Then I’ll add that onto my thanks, too.”
“Oh? That’s quite the profit.”
The words are coming surprisingly easily.
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Even though we’ve only just properly talked today… well, of course. She saw parts of me I wouldn’t want anyone to see, and I saw parts of her that she probably wouldn’t want anyone to see, either.
Two losers, licking our freshly made fatal wounds, standing right on the edge.
Wе́b̌ nо̊ v е l Е n.ü m̊а̌
Thinking that way, it’s not strange that the distance between us shrinks a little.
“…And honestly, you saved me, too, so it’s not like I’m in a position to be thanked. At the very least, I didn’t have to wallow in the sentiment that ‘I’m the unhappiest person in the world.’”
As she said that, Mamiya-san smiled shyly. It was a childish smile—hard to imagine from the cool impression her looks gave off.
“We should head back soon, but… before that, can I ask you one thing?”
“What?”
“Would you………make a contract with me?”
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“A-a contract?”
A dangerous word just came out!
A contract—for what…? Am I about to be signed up for some insurance I don’t need, or get sold some sketchy jar…!?
“Um… continuing from here on, spending time together like this, and things like that.”
“Huh?”
“I’m sure I didn’t love him—Shibaki Soichi—from the bottom of my heart. But this sense of loss, this pain of betrayal… it was as hard as anything I’ve ever felt in my life. Because in my life, I’m sure… that was all I had…”
E ñù m à. і̄ d́
“…Yeah.”
I could tell that from her screaming.
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An anger and sadness beyond anything normal… even if she says she didn’t love him, he was a special person she’d envisioned a future and a marriage with.
“I probably won’t get over this pain quickly. I feel like I’ll keep dragging it along for days, months… if I’m unlucky, even years. But isn’t that just stupid? Why do I—the one who got betrayed—have to keep suffering the whole time? Meanwhile, he tosses me aside and gets along just fine with some other woman… ah, n-no. There’s still the possibility that you and Washizaki-san will go back to how things were.”
“…I think that’ll be difficult. I don’t know yet whether Karen was in the wrong, or whether I was… but either way, we can’t go back. Some people might say that if you’re a man, you should laugh off a betrayal or two.”
At least right now, I don’t have the confidence to laugh together with Karen anymore.
W е b̊n о v ĕl̈ Еń ũ m̃а
Maybe time will solve it, but for that, I’d have to get past some terrible conflict—and compromises I can’t help but make… and right now, it feels impossibly far away.
“Then you, heartbroken as you are, are going to end up living through a hopelessly gray high school life.”
“Yeah, probably. I can’t go back to how things were with Karen. But I can’t forget the feelings I’ve built up over almost my whole life, either. At the very least, I can’t just go with some other girl right away… if I were that thick-skinned, I wouldn’t be sulking like this.”
“That’s why it’s a contract. You and me… want to try a pseudo-romance?”
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“A pseudo-romance…!?”
“It might be an overdramatic way to put it, but… going out somewhere like today, spending time together… like that? Even as I’m saying it, I still don’t really understand it myself, but if that helps clear away these dark feelings even a little, and lets us properly move forward, then it’d be good for both of us, wouldn’t it?”
Ёn̂ uma . іd
It’s true—I’m really glad she brought me here today.
On my own, I never would’ve thought to come scream at the sea, and more than that, with Mamiya-san there, I could feel like I wasn’t alone.
I still don’t know what’s ahead. Whether I can truly come to love someone else who isn’t Karen…
But when that day comes someday, I don’t want to hesitate because I remember today.
If, when that someday arrives, I can actually step forward… if I’m saved, and at the same time that becomes her salvation—
“…Alright.”
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There’s no reason to hesitate.
As I felt the corners of my mouth naturally lift, I held my hand out to her.
“Only Mamiya-san in the world can share this kind of pain without concern or sympathy. So again, like this… no—I’ll make a contract with you.”
I started to beat around the bush in my own way, then stopped. This is how I should do it, I think, and I deliberately nod while using the same words as her. When I actually say it, it really does feel a bit overdramatic—embarrassing.
But that overdramatic feel, that sense of stretching a little and trying to look cool, somehow makes it feel refreshing.
“Hehe.”
Ẃеb̈ n̈о v̈ е́l̈ Е̇ñ u m а
Mamiya-san smiles as if she’s amused, then reaches out to take my hand—.
“…Hya!?”
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“Watch out!?”
I barely catch her at the last second as she slips spectacularly and nearly falls.
Thank goodness I made it… If she’d gotten soaked, we wouldn’t be talking about any “contract.” She obviously doesn’t have a change of clothes, either.
“H-hey?”
Е̇ n ūm̆ а̇
“Hm?”
Still clinging to my chest by reflex, leaning on me in an unsteady posture, Mamiya-san looked up at my face.
Her mouth is trembling, and her face seems faintly red… no, maybe I’m imagining it. It’s already dark, and I can’t really tell if her complexion has changed.
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...I swear, I absolutely did not touch any delicate parts. I caught her by reflex, but what I was touching was her shoulder.
"Ca-Can you let go of me?"
Е̌ n umа . id̄
"No, if I let go like this, you'll fall, right? Do you think you can stand?"
"I can stand! I'll stand right away!"
Mamiya-san hurriedly pulled away. Still, it would be pointless if she fell from the momentum, so I kept a hold of her arm just in case... and once she’d steadied herself, I let go too, just like she told me.
"That was close."
"Yes. Thank you... is what I’d like to say, but—"
"Hm...?"
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For some reason, she was glaring at me with half-lidded eyes. Even in the dark, I could at least see her expression... don’t tell me she’s mad!?
"Um, sorry! I-I mean, it’s not like I had bad intentions...!"
"...Fine. I just don’t like how it feels like I’m the only one getting self-conscious about it."
"Self-conscious about what—"
"Anyway!"
Mamiya-san jabbed her index finger right up to the tip of my nose.
Ӗ n u m а. і̀ d̃
"Nice to meet you, Watanuki Amou-kun! From here on out!"
Mamiya-san declared it with a stubborn, fired-up air.
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What was packed into those words wasn’t anger. I couldn’t say I clearly understood what it was, but it was warmer, fresher, and... before I knew it, I gave a wry smile and nodded.
"Same here. From here on out, Mamiya Sachika-san."
I don’t know what kind of future this “contract” will lead to.
Today was still the unluckiest day of my life—but even so, meeting her has to be a ray of light.
W е b̆nо ve l Ѐ_n̈ umā
Alone, I couldn’t see what tomorrow would even bring.
But even someone like me feels like I can believe in things, if I’m with her.
Even if today, we’re losers—someday, I’m sure we’ll be happy.
